For the longest time I have wished for a do over; a time when I can reset the clock on what is supposed to be a life of freedom and independence. Each time that call came, I was too cowardly to make the jump and face it. Now that the opportunity has risen again, I find myself at the same path, but now there are hands pushing me to do it, and they are those that I least expected.
I've known for a while that my mother is a narcissistic, and that she can be as selfish as they come. There are often times, however, that she tells me how selfish I am, and I have to wonder if it's truth, or am I merely receiving what she thinks of herself? It's hard to tell anymore, and I don't know what frightens me more; that she is how she sees me, making her dangerous, or if this is how I am, and those around me are only stepping around the truth? I know I've put a lot on her these last years, yet I have tried to do everything in my power to soften the blow. My father isn't much better, except he expects her to do his will, and I find my own way if she doesn't want to do it. It's led to some tension, and I find myself with higher blood pressure than ever. It's not that I don't love my mom, because I do, but how can you truly feel compassion for someone who gets angry at one person, then turns that anger towards you?
I will explain more in the morning, but here is where it all comes in; my mother has been having ideations that people related to the woman my father is having an affair with (he isn't having one. He just doesn't want to spend time with someone who tells him how awful he is), are cutting her off in traffic, blocking her from reaching him at the end of the night, and impeding her from doing her every day tasks. First it was them, then the FBI, now back to those same people.
Now, a friend of mine offered a house a year ago, when he was thinking of buying one, and offered to help me out. I didn't think anything would come of it, but now here we are. I am wanting to do this, and find myself for once in my life. I will have a home that someone isn't helping me pay for, and I can be happy. However, I've been conditioned to believe that I'm supposed to be their caretaker, and if I leave, it's abandonment. My father relies on me as a protector from my mother, and my mother uses me as a punching bag and errand doer, as well as bank. My sister, whom I've only recently started talking to, told me that I was not born to be this for either of them, and what they are doing is wrong, but how do you undo 35 years of mental grooming to finally make a life for yourself? I find myself approaching the time when I need to go with excitement, trepidation, and guilt. Especially now that she knows, and is heaping it on me in leaps and bounds.
If anyone has advice, please share. I feel stupid in saying all of this, because I know how idiotic it sounds, but I need guidance, and an assurance that I am doing the right thing. After all, someone wise told me, "At your age, they already had homes and families of their own". That hit me hard and it's still all I think about.
I just can't do this anymore.
